life makes sense.. not cents..

it's been such a long time since i last blogged. times are good. life is slowly getting better. its nice to see things slow down abit. i'm so looking forward to a holiday in august! europe here i come! now i need a DV camcorder! anyone has any idea where to get one? i looking forward to Christmas already! haha! anyway. shall end here. cheerio.

bullet for my sanity.

my name. my game.

what did i do to you? why do u have to do all these? i know i look like a harmless kind of person but geez.. i do have feelings and stuff. and i aint deaf. if u wanna say it. come clean and straight up.
To do war, and try to bring my crew back down? I'll never stoop to that level to do that now.
Now was i, blessed with a gift, or cursed with a curse? I love it when you guys be talking and saying my name. it seems like your mouth is not connected to your brain. Better have a strap on it, simple and plain. Place your guts on the table and lets play the game. I'll hurt you so long you'll be addicted to pain. I don't wanna hear what you meant, do not explain. I struggle for survival.
And now you trying to act like my rival? Watch what you say partner, its not worth. I could have snapped, took it past rap and hurt you But I didnt, I kept it on wax and served you. hope you understand what i said. don't take it to heart but pride is really the sign of a foolish man.

my name..

what's wrong with you? leaving me always to fend for myself. looking down at me. never there. what did i do to deserve this? I float like big spirit. I'm ghostly. Rush me, cause you ain't gonna live to roast me. Why do you hate me? I came from nothing. Blood, sweat and tears, you did not create me! How can you doubt me? You don't know shit about me! One day you'll understand that they say that pride is the sign of a foolish man..

so near yet so far..

ah.. i've never really had the time to just lay back and watch the sky at night for as long as i can remember. everytime i look at the stars and all. i wonder why did God pick me to be on this planet, in this country, in this family and in this church? were we destined to be here? or are we planned? did our forefathers plan to give us a future in singapore? i then realised that after being in church for so long.. i still have these thoughts. i seriously need to relook my faith. lately i've been able to read the Lord's word quite often. i realised i've really backslided a whole lot. its really hard just to get back on track. i haven been attending sunday for at least 6 months. now i feel ashamed to go back. i doubt my name would even be there. BUT I REALLY WANT TO! i just don't know how to.. as i watch my batch people grow up to lead and even some of the younger peers leading. i feel really happy for them. i know i never belonged to that grp. but i'll try to help in anyway i can. i've found a great avenue to serve! in the kitchen! its real joy to prepare the food and the cooks like uncle siew tiong and steven are a real great bunch of peeps to talk to. i realised that thru serving the lord we really bond tgt really fast and really well. thanks uncle Francis for roping me into the kitchen. i think at the moment thats the only thing holding me in church. sadly. i'm really trying to find a source of joy in my lfe. i find it hard to. and thru what i've seen for the past 2 yrs. sadly, families are often broken due to money. too much they fight, too little also fight. i wonder when i grow up what will become of me? would i still be in church serving? would i be career minded? so many questions unanswered.. sometimes when i pray night.. i have this feeling that the lord has given up all hope on me. and that all my prayers will always remain unanswered. don't u have the feeling that you're like the only one suffering alone. no one knows u need a life line? i've got that feeling.. i dunno when i'll break..

a breath of fresh air.

well, i cant slp and guess i start a new blog. just like every failure in life. just gotta let it go and keep moving forward. i think the shifts are finally getting to me. i cant slp at night. struggle to stay awake in the mornings. hyper active thru the night. i'm glad that NS is finally drawing to a close. got a job at zoo in which i guess i'll be spending at least a year as a zookeeper. yes, zookeeper. after which i might head off to sierra leone for a year to work as part of the peacekeeping force for the UN. have you ever had a period of time in which you just feel like releasing all that tension in yourself and just clearing your mind of everything? total tranquility? i've been struggling to get back to the Lord. i just can't find the zeal i used to have. yes, i need a life line. so many problems have cropped up for me since NS started. sometimes i really wonder if i'm an NSman or a regular? apparently, my job scope is much broader than those in the army i guess. yes police isn't that slack. i work on weekends and public holidays too! i face difficult ppl too. i have to swallow a whole lot of outbursts of emotions from memebers of the public while curbing mine and trying to supress and console them. i dare to say that i've learnt alot from the ns life. but even as i answer the call of duty of my country, i'm shocked and saddened that ppl think i'm faking everything. i go to work early in the morning before the sky turns bright and work till it turns dark. i work thru the night too as most ppl slp. henceforth the poster. "the reason why singapore sleeps peaceful" i'm part of the reason too! life indeed is unfair. well, uncertainty lies ahead and it's curiousity that is keeping me alive and going. for all those who are really going thru a tough time but are keeping it under wraps. just one word, PRAY! nothing is too hard. in everything bring it to the Lord. and keep smiling!

"the sufferings of this present time are NOT WORTHY to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." - Romans 8:18

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - winston churchill