so near yet so far..

ah.. i've never really had the time to just lay back and watch the sky at night for as long as i can remember. everytime i look at the stars and all. i wonder why did God pick me to be on this planet, in this country, in this family and in this church? were we destined to be here? or are we planned? did our forefathers plan to give us a future in singapore? i then realised that after being in church for so long.. i still have these thoughts. i seriously need to relook my faith. lately i've been able to read the Lord's word quite often. i realised i've really backslided a whole lot. its really hard just to get back on track. i haven been attending sunday for at least 6 months. now i feel ashamed to go back. i doubt my name would even be there. BUT I REALLY WANT TO! i just don't know how to.. as i watch my batch people grow up to lead and even some of the younger peers leading. i feel really happy for them. i know i never belonged to that grp. but i'll try to help in anyway i can. i've found a great avenue to serve! in the kitchen! its real joy to prepare the food and the cooks like uncle siew tiong and steven are a real great bunch of peeps to talk to. i realised that thru serving the lord we really bond tgt really fast and really well. thanks uncle Francis for roping me into the kitchen. i think at the moment thats the only thing holding me in church. sadly. i'm really trying to find a source of joy in my lfe. i find it hard to. and thru what i've seen for the past 2 yrs. sadly, families are often broken due to money. too much they fight, too little also fight. i wonder when i grow up what will become of me? would i still be in church serving? would i be career minded? so many questions unanswered.. sometimes when i pray night.. i have this feeling that the lord has given up all hope on me. and that all my prayers will always remain unanswered. don't u have the feeling that you're like the only one suffering alone. no one knows u need a life line? i've got that feeling.. i dunno when i'll break..